Freckles: Everything is beautiful

Freckles

Freckles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night I jumped in the darkness, clutched at the sheets and woke screaming. I woke up for the panic that the nightmares bring, and all the thoughts in the daytime. I woke up for the panic to take me. I woke, for it never leaves me alone. I woke for a pen. For the thoughts, and the pen. And the scream. And I wrote on my arm these words: I want to see my arm bleed. I want to stab my arm and watch the blood drain. I want to feel something. Feel everything I can. Feel everything I have seen and felt and let it kill me. I’ve seen too much. I’m too young. I was always too little. Too little to feel all I did. Too little to see what I have. I have too many scars. Too many freckles. Too many scars  to be to be to be to be

beautiful.

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38 thoughts on “Freckles: Everything is beautiful

  1. I knew a red-haired girl who lived half a life. She stayed indoors so the sun would not freckle her. I pitied her. I have lived a wonderfully full life – getting more freckles every summer! We are beautiful.

  2. Yes, freckles are truly beautiful and so are you. I always try to tell people “Its not what you are that matters, it’s who you are that does”. Me, I’m 53 and a white female that is what I am. But who I am is a cat lover, animal lover, good friend, a writer, someone who doesn’t care if you are L, G, B, T or S just be you, and etc and etc. Find out who you are. This was an exercise one therapist gave me, write everything good about yourself. But for you who is a beautiful young lady, write down who you are. Don’t have to do it all at once, but in time you will continue to add to it. Your freckles are God’s kisses to say how special you are.

    • You are an amazing person! thank you so much for sharing this! I love the way you described who you are! I will do that excercise you suggested! it seems like it would be very helpful!

  3. Freckles are indeed gorgeous. I’m so glad you wrote this; I know what it’s like to feel like hurting yourself, and writing is one of the best alternatives as an outlet…..wonderful writing.

    • Thank you so much! yes writing is such a beautiful way to turn pain into creativity and honesty. I think writing is really what saved me when I look back. Thank you for reading this! I wish you the best!

  4. Blogging is the best for self esteem 🙂 I to have anxiety and depression and have felt worthless at times. My writing abilities suck but I have finally found something that I really enjoy doing, blogging has built my confidence up incredibly. I have had one negative comment but I really don’t care, I am by no means a writer but truly love what I do and that brings me so much happiness.
    Keep strong my friend and keep blogging;)

    • Thank you so much for your support! You are so kind! I can’t wait to read more from you! I for one do not agree that your writing abilities suck! If you love it, you are an expert writer in my opinion! =)

  5. Do you have someone close to talk to about your feelings, Emma?

    If you’re an empath, a lot of times you’ll pick up “stuff” from others, and if you aren’t aware you’re an empath everyone else’s “garbage” seems like your own. It’s like being a sponge, you absorb energies and feelings. That could have something to do with your nightmares and feelings.

    Many people are also sensitive to things like cell phones which are very damaging to your brain.

    Other reasons for depression and “the panics” could have to do with your left and right hemispheres being “switched,” and there are simple exercises you can do to rebalance them, and it helps you de-stress too. The exercises are from Touch For Health, and Brain Gym has some of the exercises too.

    Drink plenty of water to keep your brain hydrated, make sure you’re getting some vitamin B12, and eat healthy as you can. Food is very good medicine 🙂

    I’m sending you hugs, Emma. You’re never alone. Remember that.

    • That post contains so little context (one of the reasons I like it so much) that we can’t be sure what the background is for it. So you jump straight to her being an empath? You think it more likely that these aren’t actually her feelings, she’s just picking it up from others? Also, what have phones got to do with it? Studies have shown that our propensity for texting has all but removed any risks from talking on your mobile.

      Hemisphere’s cannot switch, that just doesn’t make any sense. They are hard-wired, your neurons can’t just move.

      So don’t spin her a load of nonsense when trying to be supportive, you just sound condescending.

      • Hi lankrrjc:

        “And I wrote on my arm these words: I want to see my arm bleed. I want to stab my arm and watch the blood drain. I want to feel something. Feel everything I can. Feel everything I have seen and felt and let it kill me. I’ve seen too much. I’m too young. I was always too little. Too little to feel all I did. Too little to see what I have. I have too many scars. Too many freckles. Too many scars to be to be to be to be beautiful.”

        This is what Emma said she wrote.

        I don’t believe those destructive and condescending, negative thoughts and feelings are Emma’s. She can choose to own them but that is her choice and she controls that, no one else does. Not for one minute. That is her right and her power.

        If Emma has a high level of empathy, she can learn how to keep what she wants and what works for her, and discard what she doesn’t want and what doesn’t work for her. She is always in control. She does not have to allow negative, destructive or condescending thoughts and feelings.

        If you would like to read about hemisphere “switching,” there is a wealth of material available online about lateral hemisphere balancing. Brain Gym is internationally renowned, as is Touch For Health.

        As for cell phones, instead of holding a microwave next to your precious and delicate brain, texting is definitely preferable.

        Emma, my apologies for speaking about you in a third person manner, I am only responding to the comment.

        I’m sorry that you think successful models of

      • Thank you for being so caring! You have brought up some good points here! But I think that it is a mix of both. I think those feelings i wrote are definitely my feelings, but they are compounded by the feelings i take on from others and the anxiety or sadness that i feel responsible for carrying for them.
        I talk a lot on my cell phone so that might be harming me. I don’t know much about that but will look into it.
        Thank you for caring enough to write this! and thank you for supporting me.

    • Yes, thank you so much for being so caring! I do have a few people who are close to me who I feel comfortable talking too. I am very blessed to have them. as well as, everyone you has commented on my blog has been so supportive and I am so thankful for that!
      I don’t know much about what an empath is, but from what you described it sounds like me. I know my who life i have taken on the sadness or anger or anxiety that others in my family felt and I feel responsible to make them feel happy again and to fix their problems. this is what has lead to me hiding my own struggle from them for so long. because in order to bring them up, I would have to pretend I was always happy and that I wasn’t suffering with the depression and panic and anxiety whenever they couldn’t see me. I am working on that with my psychiatrist and I just try to remind myself that I cannot control how others are feeling and that I can give them love and support but that doesnt mean carrying the weight all on me. So thank you so much for saying that!

      I have never looked intot he harmful affect of cell phones! I certainly will! thank you so much. I think your suggestions are great one’s! I will look into them! I do drink a lot of water and take B-12 vitamins. Cause you are very right that all those things contribute to having a healthy mind and affect the way we think, and the type of thoughts we are having! very interesting!

      You are a very kind and caring person! thank you so much for sharing with me! I look forward to getting to know you more!

      Thank you for the hugs!!! =)

      Emma

      • It sounds like you got unconsciously assigned to play two family roles, one being more of an adult or parental role to help family members with their anger, fear and sadness, and the second unconscious role you got assigned was to be the family scapegoat, or “poison container,” for those negative thoughts and feelings of others in your family. Usually the most sensitive and empathic member of a family gets “picked.” I got this “assignment” when I was a child.

        My experiences may or may not be similar, I’m only sharing what I personally experienced, and there may or may not be similarities with your experience.

        How this made me feel when I was very young (I’m in my 50’s now), and how I felt even as I grew older, was that I had missed some of the adult modeling and parenting I needed because I was having to fulfill an adult and parental role at times, taking on responsibility which wasn’t appropriate for my age in order to survive in the family with this role that had been unconsciously assigned to me.

        The other unconscious role, that of being the family scapegoat, or “poison container,” was in fact the “flip side” of the adult/parental role I’d been assigned to, to try to smooth things over, make family members happy, try to keep things in balance.

        Having to play an adult role when you’re still a child cheats you of your innocence, your need to be comforted, parented, and to have those needs met by the adults in your life. That is an unfair burden on any child, and it betrays trust as well. It’s important that a child can trust that adults and parents will not ask from you what is not appropriate. That goes for being unconsciously expected to take on what should be an adult role, as well as goes for being unconsciously treated as the family scapegoat and having to be the container for all of the “family garbage,” so to speak. Feeling like the “bad child” because she can’t fix what isn’t hers to fix, and never should have been asked of her.

        I’m not assigning any blame to any of your family members. Most always these dynamics are unconscious.

        I don’t doubt that the destructive feelings you feel and experience are real. What I hope to convey to you is that you can “give back” any thoughts and any feelings, any messages that say, “Emma is unlovable.” That, as you know, is a lie. And you don’t have to “be that” for them in order to be loved. Maybe they can’t give you what you need, but that isn’t your fault, and was, is, and never will be your responsibility.

        Have you ever seen “Goodwill Hunting?” I love that movie. If you haven’t seen it, I think you’d like it.

  6. Better fix the incomplete sentence, I hit Enter before I edited. To lankrrjc, I’m sorry that you think successful and proven models of therapy are a “load of nonsense.” Lots of people thought the Earth was flat and the idea that it was round was considered a load of nonsense too. 🙂

    • Actually, there is basically no evidence of the belief in the flat earth theory. As soon as people started studying Astronomy and actually paying attention to the movement of the Sun they realised the Earth was round and stuck with it.

  7. To horsewelfarenews, (sorry I don’t know your name) =P

    That really sounds like me! I feel like that has always been my role in the family. being the youngest and the quietest I was like a sponge sucking up all their feelings and trying to make everything better. Recently my family has broken apart though. both my older sisters got married and moved away because they didn’t want to be in our house anymore. my dad is deciding whether to divorce my mom. he is depressed i think because he isn’t acting at all the same as he used to, even towards us, his kids. For the past while it has been pretty chaotic and i think that’s a lot of the reason i couldn’t hide my depression or anxious feelings anymore. and i started having more panic attacks, because everyone in my family was dealing with so many sad feelings and experiences that were out of my control to help with so i just kind of couldn’t take it anymore and broke down finally.
    That’s a big part of it i think. and that’s what me and my psychiatrist talk about a lot. is just realizing that i can help them and feel for them, but that it isn’t my fault when they feel sad, or that it isn’t my fault that my dad says he doesn’t love my mom anymore.
    It’s so hard to understand that.
    I do the same thing with friends. I pick friends who i an be the emotional caretaker for, and act as a therapist more than a friend. Even if i am going through something hard, i will always just listen to them talk and counsel them. It’s very draining to be that person in a relationship so i am trying to have more open and 2 sided friendships.
    it’s a hard habit to break.
    But thank you so much for understand! i always forget that this probably plays a big role in how i’m feeling. thank you so much!

    I haven’t seen that movie! i will watch it and tell you what i think! =)

    your friend,

    Emma

  8. Divorces are stressful. Nasty, ugly, messy, stressful. My parents divorced when I was 10. Family politics – ughhh. I’m glad you have a therapist to share with and supportive friends. Give yourself plenty of TLC as well! Lots!!

  9. Emma,
    You sure did get an earful, didn’t you? I so “got” what you said because I read between the lines. I said almost exactly the same thing when I was your age and I vividly remember what prompted those remarks.

    You;’ve obviously seen and experienced way too much trauama for your age. You are obviously very senstive. That will be a mixed blessing but it’s better than not caring at all. I just read some instructional info from WordPress that suggest long comments should in a post not in the comment section so I’m not going much further here. Keep visiting my site as I will reblog your post and comment on it in the near future. I have a lot I can share on this subject. Don’t know which blog you’re following of mine but I hope it’s “depressionsgift” as I think you will find that more helpful. God bless you, honey.

    • I am sorry to hear that you went through the same thing, but I am inspired by the fact that you are so strong and brave. I look at you as a role model! Thank you so much! i will keep reading your blog! thank you so much!

      love, Emma

  10. “I’ve seen too much. I’m too young. I was always too little. Too little to feel all I did. Too little to see what I have. I have too many scars. Too many freckles. Too many scars to be to be to be to be beautiful.”
    Wow! So incredibly true!

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