All my furry friends are dead

Daddy, where’ve you gone? Mom is always crying now. My sisters always leave. They always whisper. They’ll never say it out loud.  They never scream. They’re not bad like me.

I can’t take the silence. I’ve always crawled around this place. Tip toed over broken glass. I’ve gotten used to it. The quiet of this place. But this is different. This quiet’s like death. How can we all stay quiet? Why can’t we scream! Scream because our family’s fallen apart.

All my old friends are gone. All my furry confidants are dead. One was sold, and the other was left out on the sidewalk to be dinner to some hungry traveler. He was left in the cold in a little brown box filled with the nest I made him. He was left outside long before his wings had filled in. Little patches of pink still showed through the fluff of his wings. He called out. He was hungry. He called out. He was scared. He called out. Night was coming. But my mother wouldn’t let me out. Wouldn’t unlock the door. Wouldn’t let me save him. Because all my furry confidants made noises which made my daddy yell. And there was no reason to walk on tip toes around the old house if he was already screaming.

Surely that would make him love her! My mother–she had quieted the house. Sold away the last of my friends and left the other out on the sidewalk. We couldn’t hear him chirping in the morning. Walk outside. Just bones. No little chest to heave and show he was–

Do I hate her for it? Can I? I want to–I want to ask, “but where am I in all the chaos? What about the little one? Is it alright if I do anything but smile? Is it alright if i scream?” No–

I can’t. That’s what we do here. we get rid of anything that makes a sound. We lock it in it’s room. We lock it in the basement. We take it in the hospital. “There! That’s what you get for being so loud! There!”

But mother please! All I wanted to say was that I’m hurting! Mother all I’ve wanted to say is that it aches. He yells! He leaves! Where has he gone? Yes stay quiet! I know! Stay quiet and maybe he’ll come back! Stay quiet and maybe daddy’ll love you again. Maybe he’ll love us again.

But mother. Mother, I’m sorry I screamed. Mother, I’m sorry I let it show. Sisters, I’m sorry I’m a monster. I tried to keep it in. I tried not to let it show. But my furry friends are dead.  And my father is gone. And my little bird was eaten on the sidewalk. He was so little. Didn’t you care when he made a sound? The little chirps through the night. Those were his screams.

The quiet in this house. The quiet isn’t bringing him back! Where’s daddy gone? Has he left because I was too loud?

I’m sorry mother–I should have known men don’t love you if you make a sound.

I’ll be quiet mother. Sow my lips together.

But all I wanted mother,

All I wanted was to tell you,

Perhaps you’ve always known,

I was afraid.

and all they wanted to tell you mother,

All they wanted to tell you,

My furry friends,

Was that they were too.

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16 thoughts on “All my furry friends are dead

  1. wow, impactful share! i feel sorrow for your loss.

    i always had two parents, absent in their own way. dad, worn down by raising five children before me had pretty much checked out by the time i came around. my mom wanted us to learn on our own. unfortunately, that meant we had to live on our own–without direction–without affirmation. how the hell were we suppose to know what to do! we didn’t.

    • no my mom knows. She just isn’t able to deal with it sometimes. I understand that she has a lot going on for herself. I haven’t discussed it with my dad at all. we don’t talk about very much.

  2. At some point we have to find our love where we are meant to find it. We don’t choose our families, our biological parents, etc…and if we hide ourselves for protective reasons, then perhaps we need to know that there is a healthier way to love and be loved. If your parents can’t show you that ‘perfect love casts out fear’ perhaps it’s because love between two people is rarely perfect. It endures sometimes, and sometimes not; it thrives sometimes and sometimes not…it is subject to the frailties of our humanity. Don’t know if that makes sense, but ache for your pain..

    • It does make sense! thank you so much. That’s why i love both my parents anyway. even though they aren’t perfect, because i know no one is. I just don’t want to give up on my dad. he has always been someone i look up to and I’ve always wanted to impress him and make him happy, but that came at the price of hiding who i was. I hope that in the future it won’t be that way.
      I feel much less like a captive now that i have moved out of their house. But i feel bad because my sisters left too so now it is only my mom. and I feel guilty for leaving her alone. I can only pray that she knows that of all the loves in this world, God’s love is the only perfect love, and she doesn’t have to work for that love.
      That’s what I’ve come to realize more and more, but the aches of feeling rejected still sting.
      Thank you so much for being so kind! you have reminded me of something so important!

      Emma

      • 🙂 The key I guess is to be there for both your parents regardless of the decisions they reach. And to expect them to be there for you..<3

  3. Emma, I’m glad you are no longer living in your household. I hope where you are now, you feel very safe and supported.

    I know you deeply and unconditionally love your parents. It sounds as though you have taken on an entire family’s pain and suffering, as well as the responsibility to express and act out all that pain which was then forced into silence and denial. Oh, you poor child!

    • Thank you! I am supported! like many others I am just trying to find a place where it is home for me. it is a journey and i will get there. But it’s hard not being at home only because then I worry a lot about my family members. But I am learning through this.
      Thank you for being so understanding!
      I truly appreciate you!

      your friend,
      Emma

  4. You have a lovely way of expressing your pain through words- it is very fragile and beautiful. Keep writing, it’s a great way of exorcising your demons and you are really good at it

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