The beauty of our city

Hi! I haven’t blogged in a while, and usually when this type of thing happens I would make up some excuse about how I was just really busy and having fun and just couldn’t find the time to blog, or call my friends back, or go to class, or come in to work. However, since entering the world of blogging I have realized one thing that is essential but missing from my life: Honesty.

So here I go: over the past few weeks I have been in a battle against my depression and anxiety. I had been feeling much better–like I was finally getting a handle on things, when suddenly the old fears and lies came and took me down to the bottom again. The difference is I am trying my hardest not to let it win. I am telling myself I am beautiful and loved and that the thoughts I have, that people will leave me, or that they will die, are nothing short of lies, and I don’t have to fear them.

Sometimes this works. Sometimes relaxation is enough to help me calm down and maybe go outside or even just resists the urge to harm myself. But other times it isn’t, and I feel so sad and hopeless and out of control of my feelings.

Yesterday was hard. All I found myself doing was what my therapist calls “self-destructive behavior.” I cut myself, hit rocks against my head, tried to break my hand, thought about anything that would hurt me and make me feel something at all, cause lately I can’t seem to care about anything. Waking up today I recognized I was feeling sad and guilty about what I had done, and anxious about how today would turn out. The easy thing to do would be to lay in my bed and then when the emotional pain became to much, harm myself again. But that’s not who I am anymore! I have to do more than just the easiest thing, because that never makes me feel better for more than a few minutes. Then the pain’s there, and the blood, and I hate myself more, when really, I know, I know deep down, I am a child who needs to be loved and cared for, not punished. I need to take responsibility for that, and care for my inner child, care for myself.  My first step for today was writing this, and being honest about how I’m feeling, and showing myself in words, that I am kind, that I am safe, that no one is going to leave me, I am beautiful and worth being loved, and no matter what my mind tries to tell me, and how bad I feel, I will remember that these things are true.

I also wanted to start my day by sharing these photo’s that I took with my best friend of different spots around our city just a few weeks ago, and remind myself that I love these pictures because they remind me of the great times me and my best friend spend together, and how I will be able to have those great times again, and they are worth fighting for.

I hope that you are having a great day and that no matter what you are feeling, you remember that you are beautiful, kind, smart, creative, and above all else, you are worth being loved and cherished. Let that love start with you. Cherish yourself and take care of the child inside of you who is hurt and needs protection. Please don’t lose hope. Thank you for being there for me. I hope I can do the same for you.

love, Emma

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16 thoughts on “The beauty of our city

  1. Lovely photos! Lilacs are my favorite. I’m glad to hear you’ve taken control and are starting to feel a little better. It really is a battle. Some days we win, some days we lose. The important thing is to keep fighting.

  2. Honesty is by far the most beautiful thing in the world. No matter what it is or what it looks like, being honest means you have enough love within you to face it head on. Honesty is empowering and it opens the world up to know you !!
    What could be more amazing!!
    You Totally Rock !!!!

  3. Hey Emma,

    What courage you have! Thank you for being so honest and open. You are making progress…don’t stop now. And you are so smart, not to buy into those lies that try to keep you in bondage. Way to go, girl!

    Hang in there! Prayers sent you way!

    Sandy

  4. Thank you for sharing your heart, Emma. There are many of us in this world who need to hear these things so we won’t feel so alone. I’m inspired by your honesty.

    Thank you for following my site. I’m so glad I now know about yours!

    What beautiful photographs!

  5. There are many people who care about you, Emma. Have faith in our judgment that you are a very worthwhile person even if you doubt yourself! That you can find beauty in the world around you is highly encouraging. And there is beauty to be found everywhere so do, please, keep looking. Much love from all of us! David.

  6. there is a quote…its probably biblical…it seems many are lol but its about bringing things to the Light. I know from experience that keeping things in the dark – out of shame or guilt or self loathing, only serves to make those things stronger. We create these stories around them that only we can hear and see. Once we bring our pain to the Light though – the Light of friendship, love, awareness – we are able to begin the process of healing. There will be setbacks, but it sounds like you are well on your way and stronger than the darkness that seems to fill you at times. well done you 🙂

  7. It’s a good thing, when you’re depressed, to think twice about the things you want to do. Recognize that depression is a distorted way of thinking and you might want to do things that aren’t in your best interest. When I was depressed, I used to give in to the desire to just lie around and do nothing. That wasn’t in my best interest. I’m glad you got out and took some beautiful pics! I’ve found it’s hard to dwell on the past or to worry about the future when all my attention is on looking for a great shot or trying to make that shot come out the way I want it to. Kudos to you! Keep on healing!

  8. I have nominated you for the Sunshine Award. Please accept it. I have enjoyed your work and look forward to much more! If you would like to accept the reward all you need to do is:
    Answer any 10 questions that you can think of
    Include the Award image in your post
    Nominate 10 additional bloggers for the award
    and then notify your nominees on their blogs.
    Here is a link to help get you going
    http://josephmerrill.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/sunshine-award/
    Thanks!
    -Joseph-

  9. Hoping for all the best for you. It’s so brave of you to be taking time to blog and try to inspire others even while going through your own personal hell. I know what it’s like to have to give up blogging for a time because of anxiety and depression. Hang in there.

  10. Part of my own healing process has been through being honest and open about the darker times of my depression. Blogging about it has helped more than I expected. I’ve started writing a private journal as well because some things are just to depressing to share with the world at large (or even with those closest to me), but I need to get the ideas and words out of my head. Because I’m not letting those negative thoughts fester in my brain, I have room for the positive happier thoughts to take root and grow.

    As someone mentioned earlier, shedding Light on the darkness makes those thoughts less scary, less dire, and chases away the shadows. In taking steps forward, we’ll often take a few steps back. Your courage to keep moving forward is inspiring. Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

    All the love. ❤

  11. Heya. Just wanted to say thanks for seeing and saying that writing how you feel, even when it’s a negative feeling, is a positive action. I so needed to hear that. I so often neglect my blog because my depression tells me that everyone is tired of listening to me whine and complain about my life, or reading my poems when I hit a vein of dark/emo/cranky and it seems that’s all there is. I am going to try to realize that at the base of it, it’s my blog, which is me, and that the ones who follow me can’t get to know me (and thus my work) unless I am honest about -all- the facets of my life, the bright and shining as well as the dark and clouded or the cracked and crazed. *hugs* Thank you again, and here’s hoping that it will stick…for both of us!

    KC

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  13. At the risk of interfering with your therapist, I want to suggest strongly that you go to your bathroom mirror (away from curious on-lookers) and look at you in the mirror. Then repeat (still maintaining eye contact) the last paragraph of your post:
    “I hope that you are having a great day and that no matter what you are feeling, you remember that you are beautiful, kind, smart, creative, and above all else, you are worth being loved and cherished. Let that love start with you. Cherish yourself and take care of the child inside of you who is hurt and needs protection. Please don’t lose hope. Thank you for being there for me. I hope I can do the same for you.

    love, Emma”

    The quality of ALL your relationships begins and ends with the one most important relationship: that of the one with yourself.

    ~Much love and admiration to you,

    Jan Deelstra, author of The Flying Game, Escaping the Chrysalis, Shadows Attached: Mad Woman Poetry, and Blessings in the Mire.

    Come and play in my garden….

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