Hi! I haven’t blogged in a while, and usually when this type of thing happens I would make up some excuse about how I was just really busy and having fun and just couldn’t find the time to blog, or call my friends back, or go to class, or come in to work. However, since entering the world of blogging I have realized one thing that is essential but missing from my life: Honesty.
So here I go: over the past few weeks I have been in a battle against my depression and anxiety. I had been feeling much better–like I was finally getting a handle on things, when suddenly the old fears and lies came and took me down to the bottom again. The difference is I am trying my hardest not to let it win. I am telling myself I am beautiful and loved and that the thoughts I have, that people will leave me, or that they will die, are nothing short of lies, and I don’t have to fear them.
Sometimes this works. Sometimes relaxation is enough to help me calm down and maybe go outside or even just resists the urge to harm myself. But other times it isn’t, and I feel so sad and hopeless and out of control of my feelings.
Yesterday was hard. All I found myself doing was what my therapist calls “self-destructive behavior.” I cut myself, hit rocks against my head, tried to break my hand, thought about anything that would hurt me and make me feel something at all, cause lately I can’t seem to care about anything. Waking up today I recognized I was feeling sad and guilty about what I had done, and anxious about how today would turn out. The easy thing to do would be to lay in my bed and then when the emotional pain became to much, harm myself again. But that’s not who I am anymore! I have to do more than just the easiest thing, because that never makes me feel better for more than a few minutes. Then the pain’s there, and the blood, and I hate myself more, when really, I know, I know deep down, I am a child who needs to be loved and cared for, not punished. I need to take responsibility for that, and care for my inner child, care for myself. My first step for today was writing this, and being honest about how I’m feeling, and showing myself in words, that I am kind, that I am safe, that no one is going to leave me, I am beautiful and worth being loved, and no matter what my mind tries to tell me, and how bad I feel, I will remember that these things are true.
I also wanted to start my day by sharing these photo’s that I took with my best friend of different spots around our city just a few weeks ago, and remind myself that I love these pictures because they remind me of the great times me and my best friend spend together, and how I will be able to have those great times again, and they are worth fighting for.
I hope that you are having a great day and that no matter what you are feeling, you remember that you are beautiful, kind, smart, creative, and above all else, you are worth being loved and cherished. Let that love start with you. Cherish yourself and take care of the child inside of you who is hurt and needs protection. Please don’t lose hope. Thank you for being there for me. I hope I can do the same for you.