Again

I can’t think of anything else to say but that I’m sorry. I don’t even know who I’m sorry too. My family, my friends, everyone…

I want so badly not to fall. To stand up and not have to feel like the whole world is crashing in and there’s no one around to help support the weight.

To be honest, I’m afraid–because this keeps happening. And every time I feel better, I think the worst of it is over, and then the pain comes and takes me by the throat again.

I don’t want to be afraid! I want to care again! find joy again! but just when I think I’ve found it–I fall back where I started.

This is how depression hurts…how your own mind can keep tearing your world apart.  And all the pain and heartbreak and sadness just seems like the repeating sound of a shattering mirror.

I feel alone again. Its been weeks and I’ve let myself believe I am. But I’m not.

I’ve felt as cold as death. But I chose to believe I’m not.

I’m alive! I smell salt, I hear birds outside, and I feel pain! I’m alive.

Again.

I fell again.

And I will fall again.

And feel pain again.

But I will smell salt again.

And I will hear birds again.

And I will laugh beside my best friend again.

And I will feel the sun on my face.

I’ll run again.

Walk again.

Sink again.

Talk again.

Laugh and Laugh,

and watch the stars again.

And he’ll touch my freckles again, and kiss them when I sleep.

And that’s enough.

 

enough of a reason for me,

to get up again.

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17 thoughts on “Again

  1. I understand how you feel. I have been struggling a lot myself lately. I have bipolar 1 but while I am normally manic, I have been in deep depression for many months now. I beginning to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel but I know what anxiety awaits and it slows my reemergence down. It is hard and I sympathize with you. You have my prayers right now that you come through this quickly and strong. Blessings and peace. Kevin

    • Thank you so much! your kindness shins through your words. I will pray for you as well. I can relate to what you’ve said so much. it can be so hard to get out of the dark void of depression, but just remember that good things are waiting for you, and want to welcome you back into the light. I just try to take time to recognize them. it’s hard sometimes, but i know i am blessed, and i try to repeat truths to myself. that there is so much good. that there is so much beauty.
      i wish the best for you.

      love emma

  2. Excellent post. I find myself right there with you. As I read your post I kept wishing your word were mine, as they some aptly describe where I am at.

    Wanting to feel better again. Badly.

    • i pray you will feel better soon. you are so brave and kind. you have lifted me up so many times. thank you for making me feel like i am not alone. it can be so isolating sometimes to feel this way. I am sending hugs your way, and hope, that we will both feel better again. You are strong.

      love emma

  3. I found this quote you might find it helpful.

    “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

    Author is unknown. Also remember you still have God’s graces no matter your state of mind.

  4. How beautifully you describe the ups and downs, Emma! I admire your courage to again and again pick yourself up again and see and hear the blessings surrounding you. That’s so tough sometimes, isn’t it? Thank you for your encouragement.

  5. So sorry you’ve been having such a tough time. I know how it feels. I have been there too many times. It does get better. I hope you are on antidepressants and in therapy. It makes a huge difference!! Take care and know that we care about you and how you are doing. (((hugs)))

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