I have brittle bones it seems

“I have brittle bones it seems, I bite my tongue and I torch my dreams. I have a little voice to speak with, and a mind of thoughts and secrecy. Things cannot be reversed, we learn from the times that we are cursed, that things cannot be reversed, learn from the one’s we fear the worst, and learn from the one’s we hate the most…”

This song is so hard to listen to. It cuts deep into me. It makes me feel scared, and like a child, and weak, and vulnerable, and then it makes me feel angry, and the picture of the young girl is disturbing when I listen to the words.

How can people hurt children. How can they not care that they’re afraid? I hate abuse! I hate that a man my parents trusted would use me. I hate to think how it’s happened to so many girls. And I hate that the pain doesn’t stop there. It leads to what this song is talking about. To the pattern that I could never get out of. Of thinking I wasn’t worth anything, so it was fine for boys to use me. Fine for them to say “You’re to old to be so shy,” and I would nod and try to be what they wanted. Try to be loved.

I find it hard to listen to because I feel like the artist is singing back my story right at me, and it’s painful to hear. I can see images of abuse, and children being too helpless and young to understand. I can see myself growing up, being thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and wanting so badly to be loved that I would try to find it in the worst places and put trust in people I shouldn’t have. I was the girl who said “I’ll do whatever you say to me in the dark,” all because I was ” scared [I’d] be torn apart” by the memory of “a wolf in the mask of a familiar name on a birthday card.”

The worst part isn’t the memories. The worst part is that I can see that my entire life I have done things and let people do things to me all because I had this image of myself as worthless, and weak, and fearful. I was so desperate to have the memories taken away that I would pile more and more bad experiences on top of the others. I came to know that I wasn’t someone who could be loved. I was only someone who boys would use and then leave.

“I’ll never be your lover. I’ll only bring the heat. company under covers. filling the space in your sheets.”

It’s hard to looking back and seeing how the lie was forced on me from the very beginning. And I ate it up so willingly because I was little and I trusted. I just wish I would have payed better attention to the other voices in my life. My mom and dad always told me I was beautiful and loved…I guess my fears and depression got in the way. Or maybe just growing up got in the way! It’s hard as hell. I stopped being honest with them and sought out love in other places. With boys that never cared about me, and friends that only wanted the surface of me.

Hearing this song makes me sad because I know that so many girls battle with the same feelings. Not just girls with depression or anxiety, but all girls! The world tells them their not good enough, and not worth loving. But they are!

I’m happy I realize that now, though I admit it’s still a battle, and so many times I fall into the trap of not valuing myself. But I have people who love me to remind me, and I listen to them over the lies my mind tries to tell me, and over the memories.

I’m not what I’ve done, or what’s been done to me, I’m who I am inside. I am what I love, and who loves me. And that’s good enough for now.

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65 thoughts on “I have brittle bones it seems

  1. Close to home. I trusted people way too easily before to the point that now I don’t trust anyone. I did things that I didn’t like and didn’t want to do, all to feel loved too. To feel like, hey, I’m not worthless. But all that just made me feel worse.
    Are you on medication? And how long were you in therapy?

    • I’m sorry this hits close to home for you. It’s so hard to trust people. I have such a hard time now. Entering any relationships now I feel so sure the other person will leave me, or is lying to me. But I have to fight those thoughts too because it’s important to trust. I guess you just have to be careful about who your trusting. slow in trusting maybe. But when the other person is worth your trust, then the risk is worth it i think.
      I’ve been on an anti-depressant for a year now, to help with depression and anxiety, and I am on an anti-anxiety medication to help me sleep. I hope I won’t have to be on medication forever, but I know it’s helping me so it is good for now.
      I didn’t start seeing a psychiatrist until last year. She is great and acts as a counselor for me as well so that’s nice that I am able to talk to her. But she wants me to get involved in a therapy group. I haven’t found the right one yet though.

  2. I can not answer that question, why someone would hurt a child. The only answer I come close to arriving at, is total selfishness. Uncaring selfishness. The same selfishness that someone has that steals from another… or rapes.

    Things like this damage self esteem. Self worth, your schema changes. So memories lurk and triggers awaken them. a smell.. a face even someones smile can awaken torment. it is cruel, because it is NOT YOUR FAULT. but you are the one that will suffer.

    So I ask the same question as above, have you had some therapy? Tis a hard thing to ask, a total stranger… but trust me, it helps. I have triggers too. I know.

    I would like you to repeat this aloud. I am a good person. I did nothing wrong. I am not just good. I AM GREAT!

    pssst.. if you don’t do it I will give you lines to write out 😉

    it is true though, this is something that you need to convince yourself of, you did nothing wrong, you are a good person. Look in the mirror in the morning when you awaken. Smile and say to yourself.. I am a good person, Amber sees it so it must be true.

    • I am going through therapy right now and uncovering a lot of memories I had stuffed away and hidden. so it’s very hard but I feel it’s worth it to understand why I have felt so low a lot of my life. It makes me feel less like it’s my fault and that I am bad for feeling depressed or fearful.
      Thank you for that, I try to say stuff like that to myself. and it is so helpful . self talk is a big part of recovery and so i am trying my best to change the negative self talk that i have. haha, I said it! =) thank you so much! you are incredible!

    • Thank you! It is an up and down battle, but I just wish everyone knew they are special and worth loving. no one should ever have to try to be loved! we should just give love! I am happy to hear you are growing in your self worth! you are inspiring to me! and I will keep struggling against the lies. thank you so much!

  3. Beautiful song, and beautifully written. I went through neglect, emotional and physical abuse as a child. It is only now, that I can say, ‘this wasn’t my fault’, Today I am happy. I am ME. I am the person that I should have been at 16 had I not been abused in childhood. Thank you for following my blog! Nikki x

    • Thank you so much for sharing your support with me! you are an inspiration. It is hard to come to the conclusion that you have nothing to be ashamed of, but i am so glad you have! I am so happy for you, and I wish you only good things to come!!!!! =)

      • You too, it comes with age I think. I am 44 now. It has been a very long journey. For me to realise that there are only two emotions in life, love and fear. There is nothing to fear – so love yourself 🙂

  4. Beautifully written. You are a special lady. Take good care of you and I wish all good things to come your way. Take good care and I will say prayers for you. Thank you for visiting my blog and following. hugs. Renee 🙂

  5. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” Jesus loves you.

    • I am so sorry to hear how you have suffered! I hope you know now how beautiful you are, and that it was never your fault. Thank you for your support! I will be thinking of you. you are inspiring!

  6. Inspiring others starts with inspiring yourself first. Start with I can instead of I can’t and don’t allow someone’s opinion of you become your mission statement. Make your statement your own. Do what you love and trust in and others will arrive. Life starts with you! I want to, I can, I will.

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt

  7. Rejection seems to create an identity crisis. Rejection by those we love the most can be especially cruel. It happens more often than it should unfortunately. When you are thrown into an identity crisis, you have the opportunity to erase old tapes that have played in your mind, over-and-over again, and replace those self-destructive thoughts with God-thoughts. Your Heavenly Father saw you and approved you my friend even while you where in your mother’s womb. He gave you survival tools that would bring you to the place where you are today. He is a Father Who has been waiting for you to come home to truth – the truth will set you free. Future rejection may hurt, but it will only be for a season. The Word of God (the Holy Bible) is your shield against all the fiery darts of your adversaries in this world. Remember this, that God never rejects His own handiwork that He created in His own image and likeness – He loves you my friend with an everlasting eternal love that never fades or diminishes!!!

  8. You are really brave! You have to be strong to say after all that happened “I’m not what I’ve done, or what’s been done to me, I’m who I am inside. I am what I love, and who loves me. And that’s good enough for now”. I admire you for that and I’m glad to get to know you through your blog

  9. I’m sorry for all the pain you endured, and I know how hard it is to not only live with what others have done to you but what mistakes you made yourself that you have to carry around.
    I suffered from deep depression for years and only this past year have I gotten out of it (for the most part). In that time I made a lot of errors, trusted a lot of the wrong people, acted unlike myself to gain some sort of approval. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. I just wanted someone on my side, but I didn’t get that acting like a different person made that impossible.
    It’s important for you to heal yourself, not by trying to forget, but by not feeling ashamed. For whatever that person did to you and for whatever things you regret, just accept them and use your past as a stepping stone instead of a hindrance.
    Most valuable lessons are learned the hard way. It’s unfortunate, but by having already been your worst-self, you can now be your best self ❤

    • Thank you! that was beautiful! you are strong and courageous! i am inspired by your story. thank you so much for reading this! I hope i will be able to over come like you have!
      wishing you happiness

      emma

  10. This is the second of your posts I have read the first was “Freckles… and everything beautiful” Your honesty is courageous, powerful and I believe will help others as much as I’m sure it is helping you. Please keep going. I will be an avid reader. Oh and as a side note I found you because you are the first follower on my blog so thank you for that also. .

  11. Hallo Emma Henly. Thanks for the follow. I was wondering what we had in common when I arrived at your profile pic. I’ve had to take a bit of a holiday from making images about what I endured, coupled with another upsetting situation, just in this week, trusting someone close to me and it was false. I managed to not make it my fault this time so maybe I’m learning.

  12. You are a beautiful spirit, perfect in your humanness. Thank you for being here, and for following me. Much love and light and gratitude to you for continuing to shine your brilliance.

  13. Your story is gut-wrenchingly honest. We live in a world of dualities, where both the noble, and depraved live. To think that there are those out there who prey on the innocent is to be filled with righteous indignation. No child should ever have their trust, innocence, or sense of safety stolen from them. You have a wonderful gift as a writer. Don’t ever let ANYONE steal your happiness.!!!

    • I agree with everything you said! thank you for saying that! it just makes me so upset to think that someone would steal innocence and safety from a child. I wish everyone just had a mind to take care of those who are helpless and need to be cared for. Thank you so much for responding to this! i look forward to getting to know you better!

      You are a gift.
      Emma

  14. There are stages that a person goes through to heal, that are different for every one of us. I see a strength in your ability to share your thoughts so openly. May you continue to grow and get stronger in the broken places.

  15. Hard hitting post! Very well written and makes me “feel” all those things again I tried to forget in my own life, but you can’t just forget it never goes away. Thank you for sharing to let the rest of us know we are not alone…

  16. You are right, your past does not define you. I can’t imagine the horror of what you’ve been through but I hope that, with all the different steps you are taking to address the trauma of your past experiences, your life and your sense of self esteem will continue to improve. Good luck!

  17. Strange how 2 people can listen to the same song and experience such different emotions. Yet, we have similar experiences. I love this song, I love the way she is able to put into words how it feels. I pray that God sends a special angel to wrap you in his wings tonight so that you may feel safe. It makes me angry to think that someone took away such a basic feeling from us.

  18. Oh honey your writing is breathtaking. Life has been so crushing to me, I have always wondered why is God doing this to me. Between being Bipolar, General Anxiety and now being left by the man I loved for 30 years I didn’t understand why was I dealt with all this pain. But I am awakening to life and the purpose of all this pain I am being handed and the insight that I have that your normal person that goes through life with little more than a scraped knee doesn’t have. And I accept what I am given as a gift to be closer to Him. I am not there and there are still many stones in my path, but I am getting there and so will you.

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